Crybaby

As an adult, I try to operate as much in the "adult world" as possible. My friends are all well into their twenties, decently educated and have similar adult interests. I consume alcohol, drive cars, shop in the "men's" department, and even enjoy the carnal company of a willing female from time to time. While my humor, hygiene, and life goals have really not changed since age thirteen, I am slowly assimilating to adult culture. I have no problem with getting old and hardly ever desire the whimsical endeavours of my more youthful days. I love being able to make my own decisions and take responsibility for my mistakes. I have spent nearly a quarter of a century working hard in school, joining the workforce, and etching out strong relationships that have been vital to my development. That is precisely why I have a an extreme dislike for babies (hate seems like a really cruel word).

Now I know what you're thinking, "Weren't you at one time a baby? Wouldn't it be self-destructive , misanthropic, or even nihilistic to condemn the natural order of life." Of course not. See I don't have any problem with the living, breathing baby. I mean a lot of babies grow up an do extraordinary things. Michael Douglas was a baby. Even James Brown was a baby at some time. I have a problem with the role of babies in our society. See babies can do whatever they want and be completely oblivious to any ramifications. They're like shaved cats that don't know how to clean themselves. I challenge a baby to do any of the things I do on a daily basis. Let's go down the list. They can't feed themselves, they can't wash themselves, they can't walk on two feet, they can't talk, and they don't know how to use toilets. They have no idea how much their parents or guardians have to work to keep them alive. In fact, you probably don't know what pain in the ass a baby is until you have one of your own. To make it worse, everyone seems to gawk and gape at babies like they're some sort of sparkling engagement ring behind foggy glass. Smitten spectators like to squeeze, pinch, hold, and, for some Godforsaken reason, talk in cartoonish voices to babies. All the time the baby stares blankly with fishbowl eyes and creepily squeezes his pudgy fingers. His legs dangle like shrink wrapped bologna at a deli counter and drool cascades from his little mouth. His role has been defined by the adults that surround him.

Of course most of my animosity towards babies stems from severe envy. When I finally entered the adult world, I felt as though I had just gained access into some exclusive club. Now that I have been an adult for some time, I realize that this "club" is shit. Babies really have it down. As an adult, I have to work, acquire food, keep a socially acceptable level of hygiene, pay for my less-than extravagant lifestyle, and not fuck up too bad. On the other hand, babies are on a constant vacation. They get to eat liquidy food (sweet!) and don't have to worry about any bills. Furthermore, they can shit and piss themselves whenever they want and are forced to suck on titties to survive. They shower in a sink and get a little celebration if they talk or walk. Whenever I see babies, I am reminded of all the societal norms that constantly dictate how I live my life. Fuck it, age ain't nothin' but a number. I'm takin' it back. Fuck you babies and your pampered lifestyle. Try living just one day in my world.