Crazy from the Meat

Thinly sliced corn beef piled high on top of rye bread, spicy mustard dripping through the folds. A pickle bar beckons and a cushy Jewish ass flows over the side of a vinyl booth. Morty and Saul are stuffing themselves with coleslaw while Shoshanah teases a matzah ball...

Nowadays young men hardly have any positive role models. Brando's dead, Bukowski's dead, James Brown's dead, Swayze's ill, Steve-O's sober, Bowie's a recluse, Burt's retired, and Mick Jaggers' beans and toast are just a dusty fixture on eight grade health videos. It seems like all our champions of testosterone have flickered away, their tales of excess safely confined to family dinner tables and Vh1 specials. The swinging dicks of yesteryear have been replaced by low fat ranch dressing, pilates, and the Jonas Brothers. Who will be there to save a whole generation of thirteen year old Jewish boys from the tentacles of metrosexuality? Do you really think jort wearing hipsters will revitalize this economy?

Have no fear boys there is still one man out there. He can sing. He can dance. And you bet your ass he can still kick his leg far above his head. His voice is like a crescendo of female climaxes, and his spandex clad figure served as the blueprint for 80's sexuality. I'm talking about Van Halen's only lead singer, David Lee Roth.

Several unsuccessful Van Halen reunion efforts coupled with his '93 drug arrest, have pushed Mr. Roth off the glistening podium he so rightfully deserves. But trust me, this country's Jewish population has still got it, "bad, soooooooo bad," for David Lee Roth.

This is why I implore David Lee Roth to open a traditional Jewish deli called, "Crazy from the Meat." The restaurant would combine the gluttonous portions of 2nd avenue deli with the refined sophistication of Katz's. The walls would be adorned with pictures of Roth's countless admirers and loyal patrons. Basically, the eatery would combine the visceral pleasure of consuming salted meats with the raw sexual power of David Lee Roth. It would be a place to bring your wife, your girlfriend, or that olive skinned beauty from your Hebrew school class. Further the restaurant would implicitly promote Jewish proliferation by bringing together sexually charged Jewish youngsters in the most lascivious environment: a Jewish Deli.

David Lee Roth has already inspired a generation of Jewish men. Now I call on you, Mr. Roth, the tribe needs you now more than ever.