The Richard Simmons Paradox

This shit should be in textbooks:

Does it piss you off that Richard Simmons is an aerobics instructor? You're damn right I said it. For some reason this flamboyant ball of energy seemed to duck all the radar screens and maintain a monopoly on the aerobic videotape market. Now ordinarily I have nothing against an eccentric, curly-haired man donning ball hugging shorts and a rhinestone tank top while coaxing overweight women to draw inspiration from a K.C. and the Sunshine Band song. Anyone who has seen a John Holmes movie(R.I.P.) knows the value of combining these elements to create a quality product.

However, I will not stand for Richard Simmons any longer. Aerobics instructors are supposed to be comic book type characters with bodies far superior to any of their clientele. Their supposed to be cut from stone or marble or some hard substance. Furthermore, their egos must surpass the size of their biceps. Good-looking, ripped people don't become trainers or aerobics instructors because they feel some selfless devotion to overweight people. Their egos push them in the business. Have you ever used a Body By Jake machine? Exactly.

Sorry, that was a little harsh. Let's get back to the heart of the issue, Richard Simmons. If you ask people about some of the biggest controversies and coverups of all time they will probably refer to JFK's murder or Clinton's embattled "sexual relations" speech. However, I say Richard Simmons. He isn't in very good shape. His voice is piercing. His chest hair is out of control and, worst of all, he's making men's booty shorts terribly uncool. In fact i cant even wear mesh tank tops to the grocery store anymore.

Some say this discourse is bitter and poorly conceived. Yes, Richard Simmons might be the embodiment of the American Dream. He has created a paradigm in the industry while aiding hundreds of women in their quest for physical fitness. Well I say no. Call me narrow-minded but there are just some things you can't mess with. Brian Setzer can revive swing music. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez can make a movie together. Even Vanilla Ice can try to be a rapper and then a hardcore singer(well maybe not that last one). But I still think Richard Simmons should not be in the physical fitness industry. Am I wrong?

Subway Jared isn't much better either.

(I lost fifty pounds using Richard Simmons' videotapes and realized my love for leg warmers. He will always stand as a patriarch of the modern aerobics revolution).